Beer Can Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided enough was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy but it was expensive. He explained a less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand , Tasmania and several suburbs in Brisbane .

The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said
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"Karate my a*s!"

Ooppps a blonde tickle?

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Don't ask grandma silly questions

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:
"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Marc Faber comment on US economy

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following:

''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part.'

Topnotch excuses for when you bunk work!

Everyone needs a break from the office once in a while.

Either you take ill (or pretend to), have to attend a wedding/ funeral, or are simply exhausted from working late all month and need to unwind at home.

Whatever your reasons, the excuse you turn in at the office had better be legitimate.

Sure, you have our sympathies if you've just broken up with your boyfriend of four years and want to spend the day in your pajamas wolfing down ice cream, but don't expect your boss to fall for it. Because, let's face it -- excuses like that have no place in the corporate world.

At the same time, it's understandable that practically everyone hits a rough patch at some point and either can't or won't go to the office. But in order to maintain a favourable impression, you need to make sure you give your boss a believable excuse.

Some excuses for when you miss out on a day at the office:

'I have an upset tummy.'

This is the most common excuse, especially when it comes to physical ailments. But strangely enough, it works like a charm and here's why.

Imagine the following telephone conversation:

"Hello Sir, it's me, Anil. I won't be in today; I've got an upset tummy."

"Why, what happened?"

"Oh, it was the pav bhaji I ate last night, Sir. It was too buttery and now I'm running to the loo every half an hour..."

The last thing Anil's boss -- or anybody, for that matter -- wants to discuss is somebody's bowel movements.

And when it comes to women, bosses are even less likely to pursue the issue. Most will assume it's 'that time of month' and are happy to end the conversation with a hurried "Get well soon."

Just a note of caution, however -- your lunch at the office the next day had better not be channa masala, or you'll be well-caught!

'I'm under the weather but I'll be working from home'

What's the point of sitting at home and working anyway, you ask? Well, for one thing your seniors won't mind that you're not coming in -- offering to work from home shows commitment towards your responsibilities.

Also, stating that you're not well is sure to grant you some concession -- nobody will expect you to do as much work as when you're at the office.

But if you are assigned something to do, make sure you deliver. Don't volunteer only to back out with half-hearted excuses like 'I'm suddenly feeling worse' or 'My Internet connection is down.'

'I have to attend a wedding/funeral'

Weddings and funerals are always a valid reason to miss out on work, but make sure you don't overdo these. Unless it's someone in your immediate family that's getting married, don't take a week's leave or more, it creates a poor impression.

Also, some employees take things too casually and have been known to get caught. Remember that you have only two grandmothers and it's unlikely that they would suddenly pass away within six months of each other.

And if your sister got married three months ago, see to it that she doesn't drop by on your lunch hour with her two-year-old in tow!

'I have client meetings lined up all through today'
Work-related absences are usually overlooked by any organisation. But don't leave room to get caught playing hooky. If you're using this excuse, try to meet at least a couple of clients in the day (for even half an hour) in case your seniors decide to cross-check. Also, if you update your boss briefly on how each meeting went, he/ she is less likely to think you weren't busy all day.

'A family member is in hospital'

Any reasonable superior is sure to grant an employee leave to visit or aid an ailing relative. If it's your dog that's taken ill, well, he qualifies as a family member too, doesn't he? You need to handle this one carefully, though. Concerned bosses have a tendency to ask a lot of questions about who the afflicted party is, what ailment he/ she is suffering from, which hospital is handling the treatment etc and before you know it you'll be floating in a sea of very easily-caught lies.

To avoid such a situation, make sure to use this excuse at a point in time when you know of someone in the hospital. Even if s/he is little more than an acquaintance, your excuse is sure to sound a lot more genuine.

'I have a personal emergency'
If you're a regular, productive employee, this excuse is all it takes to secure a day off from work. 'I have a personal emergency' translates as 'To ask me what's wrong would be inappropriate' and there are very few people who would cross that line.

Looking suitably hassled around the office for the next couple of days is enough to clinch it and very likely nobody will question you about your leave at all.











In order to ensure that your excuses at the office are taken in the right spirit, make sure you:

Don't make it a habit of calling in sick whenever you don't feel like going to work.

Make up for the days you've missed by putting in a little extra effort.

Try to stick to the truth as far as possible -- there's a difference between stretching the truth and lying outright.

Don't get caught. If you're going to fake your way out of a working day, lie low. Don't strut around town visiting popular hangouts like malls or theatres, because it's very possible that you could bump into or be seen by somebody who could tell the boss.

source: http://specials.rediff.com/getahead/2008/jun/02slid1.htm

Born Brave

BUBBLE IN THE BATH TUB

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, Lets start with the boys first.

Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

Teacher was confused to listen but said, Interesting. Well, Ok. Infact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok John.

Yes next.

Second boy: Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

Teacher now got surprised and said, Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next.

Third boy: Im Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

Teacher: Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next.

This continues...

and the last boy stands up Im Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.

Exhausted, the teacher said, I dont think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long.

Anyway, now the girls please.

First girl: Im Julie and my hobby is to see birds.

Teacher: Good. At last I got something different.

Ok next.

Second girl: Im Ruby and I like to collect perfumes.

Teacher Now its like educated grown up girls. Ok next.

You sweet girl; Yes you...

Most beautiful girl of the class:

Mam, my name is BUBBLE, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day.

Legal and Logical

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

A Beer before it starts...

Fish on Fridays

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the male therapist got up, walked around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go for fishing.'

Kya aap married hain?

Tufani Barish
Aadhi raat
Ramlal Pizza Hut pe pizza lene aya
Waiter: Kya aap married hain?
Ramlal: Kutte, aisi tufani barish main kaunsi maa bete ko pizza lene bhejegi?

Santa Banta Special 1

Santa talking on cell.
Banta: kis se baat kar raho ho. Santa: biwi se.....
Banta: itne... pyar se....?
Santa: tumhari hai. . .!!!


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Santa- yaar maine apni girl friend ko gift dena hai, kya dun ?
Banta- Gold ring de de
Santa- koi badi cheez bata
Banta- M.R.F ka tyre de de. .

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Santa at bar in NewYork.
Man on his right says"Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says"Peter Scotch single"
Santa says:-
"Santa Singh Married!"...!

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A donkey kicked Santa & ran away.
Santa ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it & said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.

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Santa: oye tera viah ho gaya?
Banta: haan.
Santa: kuri naal?
Banta: oye munde naal v hunda hai kya?
Santa: haan, meri behen da hoya si....!

INDIAN MOM

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl room mate Sunita.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Kumar


Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now under the pillow...

Love,
Mom.

Corporate lesson : Donkeys

Once upon a time a Washerman was bringing up two donkeys.

Let us say Donkey-A and Donkey-B.

Donkey-A felt it was very energetic and could do better than the other. It always tried to pull the washerman's attraction over it by taking more load and walking fast in front of him.

Innocent Donkey-B is normal, so it will walk normal, irrespective of the washerman's presence. After a period of time, Washerman started pressurising Donkey-B to be like Donkey-A. But Donkey-B unable to walk fast, got continuous punishment from washerman. It was crying and told personally to Donkey-A "Dear friend, only we two are here, why to compete with each other....we can carry equal load at normal speed ".

That made Donkey-A all the more energetic and next day it told to washerman that it can carry more load and even it can run fast also.


Obviously happier washerman looked at Donkey-B.., his BP raised and he started kicking Donkey-B. Next day with smile, Donkey-A carried more load and started running fast. But it was breathtaking for Donkey-B and it couldn't act that way....But the washerman was frustrated, so he harassed Donkey-B terribly, and finally it fell
down hopelessly.

Then Donkey-A felt itself as a supremo and happily started carrying more load with great speed. But now the Load of the Donkey-B is also being carried by Donkey-A., and still it has to run fast. For some period it did, finally due to fatigue it got tired and started feeling the pain. But washerman expected more from Donkey-A. It also tried best, but couldn't cope up with his owners demand. The Washerman got angry with Donkey-A also and started harassing to take more load... Donkey-A was crying for long time and then tried its best... But it couldn't meet the owner's satisfaction. Finally the day came when due to frustration the washerman killed Donkey-A and went for searching some other Donkeys.

Its an endless story..........

But the moral of the Story in Corporate and social life is......,

"Think all colleagues are same and that everyone is capable.... Always Share the Load equally..... Don't ever act smart in front of your Boss and never try for getting over-credit...

Don't feel happy when ur colleague is under pressure.. "

It doesn't matter if u r A or B, for the Boss u shall be always DONKEY

And most importantly, Never Work Hard, Work Cleverly..... "Success is a journey not a destination"