Beer Can Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided enough was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy but it was expensive. He explained a less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand , Tasmania and several suburbs in Brisbane .

The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said
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"Karate my a*s!"

Ooppps a blonde tickle?

A blonde is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Don't ask grandma silly questions

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:
"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Marc Faber comment on US economy

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following:

''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part.'

Topnotch excuses for when you bunk work!

Everyone needs a break from the office once in a while.

Either you take ill (or pretend to), have to attend a wedding/ funeral, or are simply exhausted from working late all month and need to unwind at home.

Whatever your reasons, the excuse you turn in at the office had better be legitimate.

Sure, you have our sympathies if you've just broken up with your boyfriend of four years and want to spend the day in your pajamas wolfing down ice cream, but don't expect your boss to fall for it. Because, let's face it -- excuses like that have no place in the corporate world.

At the same time, it's understandable that practically everyone hits a rough patch at some point and either can't or won't go to the office. But in order to maintain a favourable impression, you need to make sure you give your boss a believable excuse.

Some excuses for when you miss out on a day at the office:

'I have an upset tummy.'

This is the most common excuse, especially when it comes to physical ailments. But strangely enough, it works like a charm and here's why.

Imagine the following telephone conversation:

"Hello Sir, it's me, Anil. I won't be in today; I've got an upset tummy."

"Why, what happened?"

"Oh, it was the pav bhaji I ate last night, Sir. It was too buttery and now I'm running to the loo every half an hour..."

The last thing Anil's boss -- or anybody, for that matter -- wants to discuss is somebody's bowel movements.

And when it comes to women, bosses are even less likely to pursue the issue. Most will assume it's 'that time of month' and are happy to end the conversation with a hurried "Get well soon."

Just a note of caution, however -- your lunch at the office the next day had better not be channa masala, or you'll be well-caught!

'I'm under the weather but I'll be working from home'

What's the point of sitting at home and working anyway, you ask? Well, for one thing your seniors won't mind that you're not coming in -- offering to work from home shows commitment towards your responsibilities.

Also, stating that you're not well is sure to grant you some concession -- nobody will expect you to do as much work as when you're at the office.

But if you are assigned something to do, make sure you deliver. Don't volunteer only to back out with half-hearted excuses like 'I'm suddenly feeling worse' or 'My Internet connection is down.'

'I have to attend a wedding/funeral'

Weddings and funerals are always a valid reason to miss out on work, but make sure you don't overdo these. Unless it's someone in your immediate family that's getting married, don't take a week's leave or more, it creates a poor impression.

Also, some employees take things too casually and have been known to get caught. Remember that you have only two grandmothers and it's unlikely that they would suddenly pass away within six months of each other.

And if your sister got married three months ago, see to it that she doesn't drop by on your lunch hour with her two-year-old in tow!

'I have client meetings lined up all through today'
Work-related absences are usually overlooked by any organisation. But don't leave room to get caught playing hooky. If you're using this excuse, try to meet at least a couple of clients in the day (for even half an hour) in case your seniors decide to cross-check. Also, if you update your boss briefly on how each meeting went, he/ she is less likely to think you weren't busy all day.

'A family member is in hospital'

Any reasonable superior is sure to grant an employee leave to visit or aid an ailing relative. If it's your dog that's taken ill, well, he qualifies as a family member too, doesn't he? You need to handle this one carefully, though. Concerned bosses have a tendency to ask a lot of questions about who the afflicted party is, what ailment he/ she is suffering from, which hospital is handling the treatment etc and before you know it you'll be floating in a sea of very easily-caught lies.

To avoid such a situation, make sure to use this excuse at a point in time when you know of someone in the hospital. Even if s/he is little more than an acquaintance, your excuse is sure to sound a lot more genuine.

'I have a personal emergency'
If you're a regular, productive employee, this excuse is all it takes to secure a day off from work. 'I have a personal emergency' translates as 'To ask me what's wrong would be inappropriate' and there are very few people who would cross that line.

Looking suitably hassled around the office for the next couple of days is enough to clinch it and very likely nobody will question you about your leave at all.











In order to ensure that your excuses at the office are taken in the right spirit, make sure you:

Don't make it a habit of calling in sick whenever you don't feel like going to work.

Make up for the days you've missed by putting in a little extra effort.

Try to stick to the truth as far as possible -- there's a difference between stretching the truth and lying outright.

Don't get caught. If you're going to fake your way out of a working day, lie low. Don't strut around town visiting popular hangouts like malls or theatres, because it's very possible that you could bump into or be seen by somebody who could tell the boss.

source: http://specials.rediff.com/getahead/2008/jun/02slid1.htm

Born Brave